Letter to a Rooster – Volume 4

Dear Todd Carney,

So you have a girlfriend. I’m not sure what to say about this.

In the last 72 hours I’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief. OK I lied, I’ve gone through 4 of them. And a large bottle of Grey Goose. And a few Vicodins. And trust me, you don’t want to know what or who else. That aside, I refuse to accept this. I don’t see how you could find someone whose job it is to predict the weather. Have you ever watched a weather report? They’re horribly inaccurate. They’re like car salesmen. Completely unreliable. My vibrator is more reliable than a weather girl. You should have complete trust in the person you date. How can you trust someone who can’t even tell you if it’s going to rain or not? This is not OK with me.

Did you stop to think that maybe the balcony fall was the universes way of saying DON’T DATE A WEATHER GIRL?? Was it rainy when you slipped? Did she tell you it was going to rain? Because if she told you it was supposed to be clear skies that evening and you believed her and the sky started pouring down rain WHILE you were playing Prince Charming to Roy’s Rapunzel, then that right there is a RED FUCKING FLAG.
I would like you to think long and hard (TWSS) about this decision you’ve made in your life. And while your in a contemplative mood, please think about the fact that you have no hair on your head. It’s not a good look for you. I love the big ears but when you shave your head I’m pretty sure the FAA could land a Jumbo Jet on them. It also makes it so that you would also fit in well in the USA prisons here. And with the pretty you posses you wouldn’t walk out the same way as when you went in. Trust me. When have I ever steered you wrong (2011 Headshot is my proof)?
Hmm…..so maybe I had a few things to say.
Sincerely,
Lindsey
Heartbroken Roosters Fan. For now.
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